Going Off the Rails

Recently, I returned from an annual two-week business trip. I know what you're thinking. "Oh, boy, eating out for every meal for two weeks? How did that go?" Well, last year during this trip, I lost weight because as a meeting planner, I was sprinting around a convention center for a week and a half and didn't have time to eat. This year, I thought I'd lose weight or at least maintain. But I changed my tactics and the results were disastrous.

Just as I'd predicted a Kings/Penguins Stanley Cup Final, the exact opposite occurred. I gained. Six pounds.

Of course, I know exactly what I did wrong, and it's the same thing that got me to 230 lbs in the first place. Apparently, my weakness remains: if you put it in front of me, I will eat it.

The thing with these convention center shows is that all the snack break food and beverage options are unhealthy -- cookies, brownies, rice krispy treats, etc. My new tactic this year was based on how things went last year. Whenever I saw some food out, I ate it, because I didn't know when I was going to next be able to eat.

However, this meant that if I saw a big plate of cookies in the staff office, I ate two. Later in the day, if they were still there, I'd eat one more.  

I couldn't stop.

It was like everything I'd worked toward, all the mindset changes had gone right out the window. I knew while I was eating two big cookies that it was wrong and I shouldn't be doing it, but I did anyway. I ordered a cheeseburger and fries for dinner anyway. None of it was terribly satisfying to me taste-wise, but I did it anyway. Even as I was shoveling fries into my mouth, I was thinking, "What the hell am I doing?"

But I knew exactly what I was doing. I could feel it in how my clothing fit, I could see how I looked a lot thicker in those clothes that I looked just fine in last week.

How could things have gone so wrong? Well, I discovered that my willpower can be dented from time to time. That I am still subject to the "if it's in front of me, I'll eat it" temptation. And occasionally, I will give in to that temptation. Giving into it once in a long while might be OK. But the problem this time is that I gave into it several times per day every day for two weeks.

What's funny is that now that I'm back home, my desire for those cookies and burgers and fries has faded. With a 5K scheduled for Saturday, I ran four miles this morning and have consumed about a third of my calorie allowance for today (and it's almost 4pm). I passed by a Long John Silver's in my neighborhood this afternoon and about gagged. I'm back on the wagon.

Is it just so simple that I don't have the cookies and burgers in my home? Possibly. But I think also as soon as I stepped on the scale this morning and saw just how much damage I'd done, in number form and not just my clothes, I shocked myself back into reality.

We all experience bumps in the road when it comes to weight loss, but the most important thing -- the thing that really reveals one's character -- is how one responds to those bumps.

As for me, I know I can't keep doing this. This will not happen again. I will not go back.

1.5 Pounds

1.5 pounds. How much is that really?

It's a bag of 5 medium-sized boneless chicken breasts (incidentally, my favorites).  It's the current incarnation of the iPad. It's a Maine lobster.

It's also how far away I am from my goal weight.

I moved even closer to the city of Chicago just last week, and wasn't able to weigh myself all week because I had been so busy cleaning/unpacking, and with the massive routine changes, most of the time I'd just plain forgot.

I stepped on the scale Saturday and was absolutely shocked to see the number 141.5 staring back at me. My goal weight had always been 140. I am 1.5 pounds away from goal.

I suppose I shouldn't be too surprised. I hadn't been able to run much over the week (and the runs I'd managed had been pretty awful), but I had been feverishly cleaning, scrubbing, jogging around my new condo putting things away and carrying heavy objects for the last seven days. I'd also been home-cooking for about four days of the week, serving up various chicken breast dishes with rice and vegetables for myself and my boyfriend.

1.5 pounds. It was an incredibly exciting number to see, so tangible and reachable. But at the same time, there's some terror attached. What if I stall and the scale doesn't move for weeks? Even worse, what if I gain? That enticing 1.5 number would get taken away from me, and I'd be still further from where I want to be after coming so close.

Even further, what happens after I reach my goal? What if I gain it back again? What if I find I'm completely unable to maintain?

However, there's obviously a huge upside to being 1.5 pounds away. In all of my years of weight struggle, I have never been so close to seeing that magic goal number. In my previous weight loss attempt with Jenny, I'd gotten no closer than 35 pounds away.

I can't even remember the last time I was 140 pounds. In high school, I never weighed myself regularly. Weight was not really a concern to me at the time, since as a two-sport athlete,  I'd always been of a relatively healthy weight all throughout my teenage years. The last time I was 140 pounds was definitely when I was in high school, but I couldn't tell you the exact age.

It still hasn't quite hit me how close I am. It's surreal to be so close, since I never have been this close to goal before. I was walking down the street the other day and caught my reflection in a store window as I passed. I had to stop for a moment, as I was shocked by how skinny I am. This week I also noticed for the first time that my calves are rock-hard muscle with nary an ounce of fat (thanks, running!)

I haven't thought of myself as being skinny for a very long time (if ever).

While the worries are still there, I know that I have changed my lifestyle so profoundly over the past 18 months that I can't see myself going back to how it was. I can't see myself going back to eating an entire box of Kraft Mac and Cheese in one sitting. I can't see myself quitting running -- especially with five races (three 5Ks and two 10Ks) all coming up within the next six months.

This has been an incredible journey, losing 90 pounds. It's been incredibly difficult, but so rewarding. I've discovered amazing things about myself that have truly made me a different person. I've discovered strength in myself that I never knew existed, and that in turn has given me so much confidence and a new-found sense of self-worth, which is something money could never buy.

The journey really has been life-changing -- physically and emotionally. Looking back at it now, going through a life-changing experience is a really exhilarating thing, something everyone should experience in their lives. It of course doesn't have to be weight loss, it can be anything, but the whole concept of a life-changing experience is so incredible. There's really no other word for it.

I'm still going to be a ball of nerves until I hit goal, and I can't even imagine the nutty dichotomy of feelings once I do actually see 140 on that scale. It won't be long now until I see it, and I have to believe that. I've had confidence in myself through this whole process, and I can't stop being confident in my ability to accomplish this now.

1.5 pounds.

I've got this.